Ouch. Life hurts!! This is the feeling many of us go through during various phases.Months back, I saw the critically appreciated Mayakkam Enna and concluded it was an ABOVE AVERAGE film. But some times, we can be blind to things which happen to us or the people around us. On a given day, a person A will come home in a happy mood but his dear friend B will be depressed. I can quote certain lines from the BHAGVAD GITA,
1.” Life is a pain. Birth is pain. Death is pain.”
2.” Jacob will be in a joyful mood on a particular day but his neighbor will be suffering from pain due to a scorpion sting”
I have never been religious like my mother. As I write these lines, I still have a sense of disbelief towards God.But that has not stopped me from harboring moderate levels of faith.
Coming to the title , most of life till now has been a struggle like the protagonist Dhanush. As he struggled through life, I found my life almost mirroring his. The only difference had been the purpose. Like him, I had found hardships when I needed to find joy.Almost all my life has been a cruel joke. It had not been about success all along. I was all wrong.It was about being in control, being bold and assertive. When I first graduated through a prestigious college like LOYOLA and got a job in a good MNC, I thought I was on the right track. But then certain aspects of my personality surfaced. I was shy and disliked taking risks. I often cursed myself for letting my team down.Feelings of GUILT plagued me. I was often given tough work but due to fear I frittered it away. It went to someone else. I find it completely silly but I subconsciously believed I could do it. Somehow I found myself alone.
But that was the past. It is now use now. I have lived through phases of ridicule. I have been a failure in life. There have been occasions when I have harbored thoughts of jealousy and even hate.Even when I see my friends photos in Facebook, a pang of jealously swept through. They are happily settled, married and I am not.I could see now. It is all about finding purpose and being in control. Most of time, my life has drifted. I search everyday of my life for a turnaround.Some thing that I could change in me. Many respected people like OSHO would say that there is no such as control element and life goes on its own. They are wrong. Can you drive a car without a steering wheel? You need a certain amount of control in your life. I have been searching happiness as well. Often I go to a hotel and find people happy, I would feel jealous.
Life has been cyclic for me. The highs of employment followed by the lows of job loss and depression.Just when I had found some purpose in French language I endured the same karma, the same fate. 7 Years ago, when I joined the French institute during my college, my teacher believed in me. She was a kind lady who believed I could be successful one in this field. I had to discontinue the course. And again, I am doing the same course with a good set of friends. I had to attend the course after a long period of absence due to illness involving my foot. And what does the ‘teacher’ say? That I bunked classes. I wore a pair of socks and came. Nevertheless, my friends believed me and I shall be ever grateful. Life is always a joy when you are around people. People who believe in you. I felt a pain in my heart. I cannot study French to prove anybody wrong or right. In fact, like Po of Kung Fu Panda, many a times I have felt or thought of quitting class and becoming an absconder. But somewhat deep withing me said a CLEAR NO. French may be my destiny or not, only God knows. But I have learnt a lesson.
Posted by chenab35 | Filed under Uncategorized